Orbs.. is this really happening??

WARNING: This post is not for the faint hearted. 

Jokes.

But seriously what I’m about to tell you is on another level of FREAKY.

This is a topic I’ve openly talked about to both my friends and family. Some looked at me like I was crazy and some didn’t. Thanks to those who didn’t. It all started about 3 years ago. I lost my dad through suicide a year earlier. Before my dad took his own life, we were having our 2nd extension done on the house. It was only  after his death that it was completed and one of the rooms being built was my current room. A few months after his passing the house was finished and I could finally move in. During my healing process I liked to stay up late and talk to my dad, call me crazy but it helped me grieve. During the first few months it mainly consisted of questions of WHY? I didn’t understand why he did what he did. To this day I still don’t really know and I don’t think I ever will. But as time has moved on I find myself asking that question less and focusing more on the years we had and the memories I now hold close to my heart. So yeah little old crazy me talked to ghosts. Basically. It wasn’t much of a conversation considering there was no one on the receiving end.

Or so I thought.

About a month into conversing with the spirits I noticed a slight change in presence. It was eerie and weird. Scary at times too. I’m naturally a night owl so my sleep pattern is not the best. I often fall asleep around 3am and wake up at 7:30/8 AM. As the clock ticked away I was trying my best to get to sleep. With my head on my pillow I felt restricted, almost as if someone was pinning me down. I couldn’t move. My breath shortened and my head was suffocating in towards the pillow. Eventually this stopped. Not knowing what the hell had just happened, I turned to Google for some help.

Sleep paralysis.

Sleep paralysis is a temporary inability to move or speak that occurs when you’re waking up or falling asleep. 

I thought I was mad. Was my imagination fooling me? If this had happened only once I would completely say it was my mind just playing tricks on me but ever since that day I often experience the same sensation at night. Now, I’m a big fan of horror movies. I’m the type of person who can watch a scary movie on my own at 2AM and be totally fine so this was on some next level shit.

My most recent experience was horrific. Over the years I’ve managed to get quite good at deflecting the ‘bad spirits’ as I like to call them. But this time was proving more difficult to do. It was around about 2AM and I’d just finished watching a movie and decided to hit the pillow. Not a success. 4AM – still awake. As I closed my eyes I felt someone’s breath above me. I kept my eyes closed hoping that it would go away. It didn’t. I could see black shadows flying all across my room some had faces. I often see an old woman aka ‘The Witch.’ Don’t get me wrong, she might be a nice lady but she doesn’t half terrify the living day out of me. I guess that’s her job though right?

Do you think I’m crazy yet?

Honestly I’m not. Statistics say that sleep paralysis is very common in young adults. Until you’ve actually experienced it I can’t begin to explain how frightened you feel in that moment. Anyways back to the tale. The shadows kept getting closer and closer towards me so I opened my eyes. The room was silent. Phew. I was alone. Returning to my slumber I was immediately attacked. I felt choked. I couldn’t speak. I was lost for words. Literally. About 15 seconds had past and I slowly manage to say ‘Leave me alone!!!’ This was physically impossible to say and took me a long, long, longgg time. It had a stutter like quality to it. But after saying that the spirit/s vanished. Freedom at last.

If any of you readers out there have watched any horror movies, you’ve most probably watched the Insidious films. Elise often says that once you open the door for one spirit they all start to come on in. The good and the bad. This is a thought I’ve held onto ever since it started happening. This all started when I started reaching out to my Dad and I’m left wondering is there any truth to what Elise said or is my imagination tricking me? Fearing the worst, one day I lit up some incense and some candles and cleansed my room asking the spirits to leave me in peace. I didn’t mean them any harm and I’m sure they didn’t mean me any. Who knows maybe they’re just lost souls hoping to find their light?

Which brings me on to my next experience. With the darkness comes the light. Personally I’m a bigger fan of the light in this instance. I was home for Christmas break and like many nights I was up really late. For some reason or another I couldn’t get to sleep and the clock was nearing 4AM. But my tired eyes needed their rest and in a split second my vision was hazy. After closing my eyes I saw a green light illuminating my pupils. I opened them. The light was still there. I couldn’t believe it. I stared some more and there it stayed. It quickly started to multiply this time with red dots of light. It was all happening above my head. I sat up and tried to grab the light. It disappeared. About five seconds passed and it made it’s comeback. Instead of aggressively grabbing it I proceeded to gently reach out and touch it. There was a field of energy radiating around us and it was getting stronger. After about 30 seconds the energy was overwhelming and then I felt it. It felt like touching another persons hand, almost like a high-five. I latched onto it for a few seconds and held this so-called ‘hand.’ I can’t explain how this happened or why this happened, I can only guess what this magical experience was.

I think a lot of what happened that night was due to me returning back home. I like to think that this particular experience was my Dad. That it was his way of reaching back out to me after all those years of me trying and failing. It was to show me, he is always with me and always will be and that I can depend on him whenever I need to. It was the best welcome I’ve ever received. Even if it was a bit crazy. Having 4 years to deal with my grief I’m finally at a stage in my life where I can say I’m ok with it. I’m over it. Yes I still cry occasionally and yes I miss and love him more than anyone can imagine but I now choose to think of when I will see him next. And that’ll be a long time, I’ve got to get old first. Him reaching out to me kind of consolidated this and my Nan always says ‘They won’t visit you if you’re not ready.’ She’s seen a lot of her passed family members when she’s walking around the house. She always tells me ‘You have more to be afraid of from the living than the dead.’ My younger sister, Tilly, was less than 2 years old at the time of his death however she still remembers a lot about him. She’s always been a clever girl for her age and initially when my mum found my dad she was in the car in direct view of it all. That night when we were all living at my Nan’s trying to make sense of it all, he visited her in her dreams. The next day she woke up and the first thing she said is – ‘It’s ok Daddy is in the sky.’ This is why I think there’s some truth into my experiences. They’re weird as hell but they happened.

I kid you not though. This happened to me again. Only this time it was after I arrived back to London. On my third night here I saw the same dots of light. It was special and I cried a lot that night. But my tears were ones of happiness. I needed the reminder that my dad is with me in everything I do. It was my beacon of hope. I’m a very independent person however I do miss home from time to time and as annoying as I am, I know they miss me. I guess this is his way of looking out for me. I’m truly blessed to have him as my guardian angel. I just hope he fights the baddies if they ever visit me again. I’m yet to experience the trauma here in London. Thank god for that.

But on that refreshing note I will leave you to enjoy the rest of your day, wherever in the world you may be.

PS. I’m not crazy I swear.

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 Christmas break.

Christmas. My favourite time of year. A time for family. A time for friends. A time for food and a time for alcohol. Or in my case, a lot of it.

I decided to stay a little while longer after my course had finished to get some hours in at work before heading home. But the day had finally came and I was up for 7am. With my suitcase fully packed and my flask of tea in my hand I made my way to the station. I boarded the train to London Victoria and from there I headed towards the Coach station. Unfortunately my suitcase decided that it wasn’t going to be my friend that day and made a special effort to embarrass me in public. The wheel had broken. Luckily I still had 3 left to transit with. However, every time I walked 10 yards it would make this hauntingly dreadful screech that had on-goers looking at me as if to say ‘Can you not?!‘  With a ‘fuck you all‘ attitude I proceeded on my journey to the coach station. I had made it.

My coach on the other hand hadn’t.

Instead of departing at 10:30 am, I eventually departed at 11:11am. Yes I made my wish. Leaving the magical moment in the past, the megabus set off and I now made my way out of London. The bus was several hours long but for the price of £3.50 I couldn’t complain. It gave me a chance to self reflect and get a few bits of my work completed. Also a spot of reading never goes a miss – read more kids, it’s a joy.

I eventually ended up back in Runcorn waiting for my ride home. My mum came to pick me up. Shoving my suitcase into the boot, I hopped right on in and we made our way back to my home of 19 years. Driving through the lovely town that is Runcorn, I looked out of my window seeing all it has to offer. For the record, not that much. First we drove past Chambers, a bar I’d be spending a couple of nights in over the Christmas break. Driving a little further, we stumbled across ‘The Royal’ a pub I love. They regularly play the oldies and Whitney. That pub brings out dance moves I didn’t even know existed inside of me. It’s great. Waving it goodbye, we made our way home.

Whilst my bedroom had been turned into a part-time laundry room, my room was pretty much still the same. The living room was still as cosy as ever with the fireplace lit and the warm orange tones of the furnishings giving off autumnal vibes. I took a seat on the couch and took a sip of my cup of tea. It was good to be home.

That night I slept like a baby. The best sleep I’ve had in ages. The next day my Nan and Grandad came round to the house. It was so nice to finally see their faces after so long: after a few hours passed I decided to go the pub with them both. The night was filled with many vodka lemonades and chats about the past and how the good old days were. I spent quite a few nights in The Grapes with my grandparents over the Christmas break. It was cute. I especially enjoyed my visits to their home and days out with them both.

Over the next few weeks I spent my time seeing my family and seeing friends. I also spent a lot of it working at my old job. I missed Burger King and my favourite shift was when myself, Sophie and Lucy were working together again after being away at uni across the country. It was good to finally be back together again.

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I decided to be nice this year and buy gifts for my family. Some sentimental and some not. I took my sister to go and see ‘Sweet Charity’ at the Royal Exchange Theatre in Manchester. This was just a good show. The cast were phenomenal!!! Every year I help my Nan out with her gift wrapping, she always has everything ready for each person. She’s good like that. I love being in their home; it’s just something about the pair of them, they bicker and moan but they love each other and it’s funny to watch. They both wind each other up and I can’t begin to tell you how many times I’ve almost spat my cup of tea out when they’re telling me a story or a joke. Eggheads is a must when watching the tv with them, my Grandad always says ‘I’ll beat the lot of them.’ I swear if they had their own little sketch/sitcom they’d be brilliant.

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Christmas dinner was at our house for the first time in years. I was in charge of making the mulled wine; it went down well. The evening was filled with laughter and love. I couldn’t have asked for a better day.

Whilst I didn’t get to spend New Year’s Eve with my friends, due to the fact I was babysitting my sister Tilly, I did see them numerous times over the holidays. Although it felt like I hadn’t seen them at all. But the time we did spend together was special! From the drunken nights out to the chilled out drives, it was all amazing. Even if I did get wasted a few times. At least we were wasted together! There was a time when I feared for my life and that was in the front passenger seat of Beth’s car. We were making our way towards the Trafford Centre. Everything was going fine until about half an hour in. Beth took the wrong exit 3 times and it felt like we were driving to nowhere and back again. Changing lanes on a motorway has got to be the scariest thing I’ve ever witnessed especially in Beth’s car. Fortunately we never crashed, though my heart still felt like we had. Pulling up into the parking space I quickly undone my seatbelt and rushed out of the car for fresh air. I hope our next journey there is less problematic.

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I did however finally get to see Kloe and Becky! I hadn’t seen them the last time I was down and I was looking forward to seeing them like crazy. We all met up for Nick’s birthday at a cute Italian restaurant where we sipped endlessly on the fresh wine whilst eating our main meal. It reminded me of being in New York’s Hard Rock Cafe. An experience only the four of us can begin to explain. It was eventful and it was hilarious. It was good to be back in their presence. We then met up in Manchester, to play mini golf – Nick’s idea! I was late as usual, delayed trains are not my friends. Klo Klo came to my rescue and saved me from getting lost. Junkyard Golf Club was giving me jungle vibes and in the end I won the tournament. I guess you could call me a jock. We decided to celebrate the victory in Nandos. During the 20 minute wait for a table Nandos, on this particular evening, were playing some funky melodies. One couldn’t help but freestyle to it. I think the four of us would agree that that moment was special. We rounded off the night by checking out a few of the student bars and heading back to Klo’s flat where pizza and Harry Potter awaited us. Of course we didn’t actually get to finish the film, because Grandad Nick gave a running commentary throughout the whole duration of the movie.

I was in charge of the alarms. Big mistake. We were supposed to get up at 10am. But I Snoozed the alarm..

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Failing to make our booked train, we boarded the next one and made our way back to Priestley College. We wanted to pop in and say our hello’s and goodbyes before heading off back to Uni. It was so nice to be back there – a place where we became friends and a family all in one. Sarah invited us into the staff room for tea AND biscuits. Cute I know. I could have stayed there all day, its like a second home to me.

But eventually, I had to return back to London. Due to the fact of my suitcase being broken I had to haul everything I brought down with me back in my back pack. I could barely walk in it, it was that heavy. NEVER AGAIN. I wont over pack next time. Consider it a lesson learnt.

Whilst my friends from back home may not be here with me everyday, I know they’ll always be there when I need them and I the same for them. It’s little things like seeing their tweets or late night facetimes to messaging them every now and then that consolidates this. I may be far away, but if any of you are reading this, know that I’m always with you in your hearts.

And every single one of you has just majorly cringed at that ending but hey ho that’s just who I am. This Christmas was a blessing and I intend to make this year one too.

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It’s supposed to say “4 Musketeers”

 

 

My trip to the farm.

After my last few posts having a hint of melancholy in its material, I’ve decided to write about a happy time near the end of 2016. After a long day of work, I came home and made myself a well deserved cup of tea. I was joined in the kitchen, this particular night, by Stef who was making oats – she lives, breathes and sleeps oats, I swear. We told each other about our day, like we do on several occasions, and she mentioned the idea of visiting a farm. At first I was like a farm? In the city? Yeah right?

It’s hard to believe I know.

But I was intrigued and was left wanting to know more. I had nothing else planned the next day and I figured a bit of animal loving was just what I needed to keep my spirits high. We awoke bright and early and made our way to the bus station to catch our bus to Vauxhall. Stef proceeded to tell me the WORST joke in the world, she’s good at that. Her bubbly persona makes up for it though and it’s a trait we all love about her. So if you’re reading this Stef maybe a career in stand up comedy isn’t quite for you 😉 The bus journey lasted a little over an hour but it was nice to get out of our neighbourhood and explore the city together. A vow myself, Stef and Temi have decided to make more of this year – Three Musketeers and all. The journey was over in no time and we were making our way towards the farm to meet some of Stef’s classmates from Kings. Shout out to Sangeeta and Sonja, you were both lovely.

The entrance was the most adorable thing ever. It had a childlike feel to it, splashing bursts of colour onto a white canvas. It was extremely inviting and of course I stepped right on in. With it being the Christmas season there was a special set created that resembled that of a Nativity. Ahead of me in the pen was a donkey and children’s nativity costumes ready to be used. It took me back to playing a shepherd and the Angel Gabriel back in my younger years. My inner 6-year-old was dying to hop over the fence and squeeze into the tunic.

After rationalising with this idea for a moment or so I decided to navigate my way to the alpaca’s. This was one of Stef’s main reasons for coming. Each alpaca was very different in character. Like with all families there is always the greedy goblin of the bunch. In this instance that would be Stef. Stef’s alter ego was there that day, in true alpaca form.

Meet Stef…

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The other two could barely stand a chance next to that powerhouse however they loved being petted. FUN FACT: An alpaca’s wool is much softer than its often mistakenly identified species – Llamas; whose fur is much more rough and coarse.

There was one in particular alpaca who reminded me a lot like all the DIVAS I know. He really was channelling his inner vogue. YASSSSS!

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Being on the farm for those few hours I was, enabled me to truly love life and all it has to offer. It’s little spontaneous trips like these that count. It was a really cute day. I felt like this was our secret magical place. I got to pet so many farm animals and relax at the same time. A lot of universities are now using this as a tool to help relieve students from exam stress, Bath Spa University being one of them. This is a really effective way to reduce stress levels. It helps you forget about your worries for an hour or two. I’d highly recommend, its cheap, its fun and you can snap some really great photos! The staff there at Vauxhall City Farm were all wonderful and helped out a lot, answering any queries we had. You can even volunteer at the farm and help with it’s daily duties. I found myself not wanting to leave, there was something nostalgic about the whole day that stuck with me since. It took me to a place in my childhood exploring the forests and going to Walton Gardens to visit the animals. It was special. I encourage all you animal lovers out there to visit this magical place. You’re never too old to be a 6-year-old again.

Freshers

I made my move on the 4th September 2016 and was immediately greeted to a BBQ styled jam outside our very own Laban building. It was quite a cute little ice breaker for meeting people across the years. Whilst I was a tad bit disappointed there were no Whitney Houston songs playing, the drinks were cheap. So over the next two weeks our timetables consisted of freshers events and enrolment. And of course it was my birthday coming up and I vowed not to get belligerently drunk. Some things never change though. I clearly thought I was a pro walking down the streets of New Cross swigging out of a Sainsbury’s basic vodka bottle… straight. There’s little I actually remember from that night but the stories that unfolded the next morning were horrific. So my dancing was a show, my general being was just a mess and to top it all off I walked over and explain my attraction to another guy despite meeting him days earlier. Yep! You got it from me first – tragic! It’s not all glitz and glamour I’m afraid. Its cool though, it’s a funny story now but at the time I wanted to die. So Freshers came to an end with a boat party on the Thames and this was a cute little night for us all to have fun together. Then the fun really began to start.

We got right into acting by sharing stories that we found to be quite comical in telling and stories that were more emotional or had weight held to them. A lot was presented in these sessions and the beautiful-ness of it was that the stories were all raw and yes, some were hard-hitting but by just hearing a story that someone clearly had an emotional attachment to and in the way they portrayed it through honest authenticity and integrity really did move me. We then got hot and sweaty looking into each others eyes to see if we could gain anything from this. Deep, I know but these sessions were really fun and actually inspired myself and Hannah to take part in a social action event that was happening in London and all over the world through a community group called ‘Focallocal’ http://www.focallocal.org/ : The Worlds Biggest Eye Contact Experiment 2016. It was an amazing experience. We rounded up the end of term 1 with our Naturalism Assessments. I struggled with getting into my character and just letting go really but when it came down to the final showing I just had fun with it, whilst I’m still trying to master that I have made a slight improvement. Sometimes just getting up there and doing it can be the scariest moment in a person’s life.. but keep tuned there’s gonna be a blog post on fearlessness and letting go, so to speak. In dance I’ve been continuously working on my technique in Jazz, Ballet and Tap. Tap I’m not quite getting the swing of things for some reason or another, but I guess in time I’ll improve. I’ve been took on a kind of tour through Jazz history in one class. It’s been amazing getting to see how it’s slowly evolving in Shannon’s class. As for singing we’ve been working on our legit sounding voice and focusing on much more classical pieces of works and composers. Not my strongest field but I’m getting there.

A little while ago I wrote this on my Facebook:

“So I’ve been in London a month now and I can honestly say I’m having a grand old-time down here! I’m at an amazing university with a pretty fantastic bunch of people doing what we do best – or at least in my case trying to. As for London I’m finding it oddly peaceful, I feel like I’m in my own bubble of serenity at the minute which is weird because it’s hectic and busy all the time but I feel like I’m floating in a sea of people who are all focused on getting through the day and I love it! This newfound independence is rather exhilarating and call me dorky all you want but I’m excited for what it brings!!”

I think it explains a lot about my journey thus far.

Stay tuned..

Day 1

Today marks the start of a new journey in my life. Whilst the chapter started all the way back in September of last year its only now that I’m finally ready to start documenting my life through a blog. So, what exactly can you expect to see from this blog? It’s day one.. the outcome is still a little hazy in my vision but most importantly I want to create something that can speak resonance with not only theatre students but any student in any realm of study. Moving to a big city has been fun but its also been quite daunting at times but that’s what makes it all the more exciting don’t you think? So think of this blog as a process, an update, a platform for myself to share my ideas, thoughts and aspirations. I think my next few posts are going to highlight a few nostalgic moments from last term and work their way towards present day, just so I can fill you in on what’s really been going down in what I like to call my happy little life.