Yesterday I reached breaking point.
I completely broke down. If there’s one thing I hate doing its crying in front of people. It’s a problem I’ve been learning to deal with ever since my Dad passed away. I built up this
foundation of strength in saying everything was ok when it really wasnt.
This has stuck with me.
It’s not that I’m shut off emotionally, it’s just that I have a resilience in showing my more sensitive emotions to others. I’m completely open about this and those who know me know I’m the most emotional person they know in isolation. I’m very much in tune with my emotions and similarly know when its my time of the month so to speak despite the genitalia differences.
But yesterday was different.
Yesterday took me by complete surprise. I was feeling absolutely fine within myself and was having quite a good day. Show week was over and it was time for 2 weeks of relaxing lessons.
Or so I thought.
So we were given a task to bring to life this externalised/heightened character and this is the type of stuff that freaks me out because I always believe I do a bad job doing it. Which is a normal for me in acting anyway, I never believe in myself and its been like this for about 3 years now. Deep down I know I’m good enough but I always have this internal conflict that’s tells me I’m not nor never will be any good.
I’m a mess I know.
In our lives we all have weaknesses or things you believe to be your weaknesses and you view them completely different to your strengths. They give you the most anxiety and fears and they can either break you or make you depending on how you utilise this feeling.
I didn’t exactly use the 10 minutes we had to prep very well. I spent the time fighting myself and taking constant blows to my self-confidence. Steve Peters would say my chimp had won. I think he would be right on this occasion. After the ten minutes was up, we each had to perform back our material to the class. I happened to be last.
The whole time I sat there in a state of panic. My palms were sweating I was not ok. But, I got up there and I proceeded with the task. I ran into a web of failure. Everything was going wrong and the more I told myself this, the more it got worse. I felt everyone’s eyes on me and I suddenly felt like the smallest person in the biggest room. My acting teacher persisted and kept me going in the attempt to grasp at this task. It just wasnt working and I felt myself getting more and more worked up. I was unable to produce the work.
This all stemmed from my own self-doubt.
Yesterday it completely got in my way and clouded my outlook and emotions for that matter. After being pushed and pushed and then pushed some more (all out of love) I was unfortunately swallowed by it all. I guess I was just extremely disappointed with myself. What seemed like a simple task proved to be so difficult to me. But everyone else in the room was feeling the exact same, they were just better at managing their mind on this occasion. Whereas I succumbed to defeat so to speak.
But I don’t exactly see this as failure. I see it as progress. I needed this. It was a reminder, that there are things I need to be working on and it has given me a much clearer vision on things relating to myself and my training here at Trinity Laban. It was also nice to feel secure enough to be allowed to have my breakdown in front of my friends in such a warm and open environment. Everyone there was rooting for me and was there to pick me back up again and I really felt that and appreciated it at the time even if I was drowning in my own tears.
No matter how many people you have in your life believing in you its never going to make a difference until you start to believe in yourself and thats exactly what we all need to do.
Maya Angelou paints it perfectly “But still, like air, I’ll rise.”
And rise from it I will. In the future, when faced with difficulties I’ll look back on this moment and I’ll know I never want to feel like that EVER again.