Feelings of uncertainty: where is my closure?

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Not knowing where you stand with people can sometimes be the hardest thing to wrap your head around. Especially when you’re giving 100% and they’re giving 75%. This topic is quite a personal one to me as I don’t feel as though I gained any closure from this situation, I’m still quite confused and questioning what exactly was it that I did wrong? But hopefully by the end of this post I’ll gain some sort of closure as I believe when you write your feelings down or say them out loud, you’re making yourself very vulnerable by laying it all out on the table. It’s out of your body. And from this I can now utilise it and do what I wish with this material. That’s how I like to deal with things and it works for me so I’m sticking by it.

Do fairy tales even exist?

Like with many stories of heartache, this involves a boy. For these purposes let’s refer to him as R.

So R and I had been speaking for a solid two months ish near enough every day and then it kind of went down hill from there. I’m just warning you, you’re probably going to think of me as naive after you read this article but I don’t regret any of my feelings that I felt during the time. Whilst they were part of the reason I was feeling a bit low towards the end of 2016, I think every person has to go through it in order to spot out your Princes’ from your frogs. And yes two months is a very short time, however it felt like forever when we spoke everyday, near enough.

I was quite drawn to this guy, he seemed exciting and fun whilst at the same time being sincere and charming. We’d have endless conversations finding out about each others lives and what interests us the most. Yes the conversations got saucy. That was inevitable but I felt like I was actually getting to know this guy on a serious level. So I asked him how he’d feel about me taking him on a date. He was into it and so was I. With him working and me studying and working it was proving difficult to find a time we were both free. So we played it cool for a little while. We were getting to know each other more and more. I wanted to meet him and so a few weeks later we discussed the matter again. He sort of gave me a blunt answer and in hindsight I should have saw it as a red light, but I being both foolish and smitten was clinging onto the idea that maybe, just maybe I’ll get my happy ending.

DISCLAIMER: For the record I was by no means in love. I was just in love with the idea of him and wanted to go with the natural flow of life and see where it took me. I sound crazy haha, but hey aren’t we all?

This is when I started noticing he was being a bit standoffish with me and I couldn’t pin point why. He’d already told me he couldn’t make the date for various reasons and I was simply like “Ok no that’s fine. I totally get it. You want to focus on work. Just let me know when you’re free and we’ll sort something out if you want” or something along those lines and he agreed. So after asking a few times and him coming up with excuses, I decided that I wasn’t going to do the chasing anymore, If he wanted to hit me up cool, if not also cool. I wasn’t that fussed either way. So, the conversations drew shorter and by that point, I was nearing my end in London before heading home for Christmas. Then as with all my mistakes, I got drunk one night whilst home and messaged him basically saying “So whats happening then?”. I didn’t really get an answer. Then New years Eve came and I wished him a happy new year only to find out he’d blocked me. Even now I don’t get why he didn’t just give me an explanation as to why he’d strung me along for the months he did, or so it seems looking back in reflection.

This is probably around about the time you’re thinking – wow what a dumb fuck. But what you have to understand is that when you start speaking to someone new its fun, its daring and its exhilarating. I felt emotionally and mentally drained. The more you spend getting to know a person the more they fit into your perfect little bubble or not in some cases. Well that’s how I see it anyway. I guess you could call me a hopeless romantic but I think deep down we all are at one point or another in our human lives. We’re all searching for that fairy tale ending and I thought I was on the right track with this guy. And yes you can judge me, its natural we all do it. But I don’t for one second regret any of my feelings or writing this post. It’s how I felt at the time and it’s a true and honest reflection on my behalf. And as I have always said – Everything happens for a reason. It’s now about moving forward and maybe not putting a taste of my heart on the line as much.

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With writing this post I am by no means wanting to present him in a negative light, I simply wrote this because as I said earlier, it was one of the reasons I was feeling discontent as I mentioned in my previous post. Maybe one day he will read this and give me an explanation but for now I’m left with just two options. So maybe he just wasn’t that interested or maybe he found someone else. But if you are reading this, I wish you all the happiness you can get. Even if you were a bit of a dick in the end. If you’ve found yourself in a similar situation in the past, comment/like on this post or message me with how you felt. It’s important to be open on matters that impact your life – the good, the bad and the ugly. Embrace it all, our flaws are what make us human.

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